So this is probably just a piece of meaningless writing, but it’s something I’ve been thinking for a while. Really, I guess because of the late Robin Williams, I’ve decided to be a little more… vocal? To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I should even post this, but in the end, decided that I “had to”.
So forgive me. It’s a bit rambly and my wording might be hard to follow but… this is the way it came out. And really, I’m happy with it, because this is the way my heart writes. When I’m being honest and letting my feelings flow naturally, without prompt or planning.
So… Here it is:
I believe there’s a power in depression.
Typically, those who suffer from depression are easy to spot, because they tend to be the ones who seem least depressed.
That’s because these people have a gift—something bordering magic more than mere mental control. Many would notice that these people have the incredible power to turn darkness into light. Similar to a battery that can power anything but cannot feed on its own energy, these people are usually capable of adding a brilliant light to the world of those around them. And it isn’t a simple as conveniently helping only the people they can see. No, often times, these people seem to be compelled to help other people smile, whether they’re close friends or complete strangers, in sight or half a world away.
They’re usually the loudest. Often the brightest. Typically the most helpful. Seem to be the most confident and self-motivating. Maybe not the smartest, but they definitely tend to be the most witty.
And they’re addictive to be around.
Often times, these people are like a drug, and they captivate the people they draw into their lives to a degree comparable to infatuation. They’re the positive extreme of polar opposites—that person who can bring a new life to a party through loud antics and shameless self-deprecation, but can be the most silent and active listener when it’s most needed, or even when it’s not needed at all.
That’s the power that comes with depression, but it’s because these people tend to experience a constant flux between the two extremes of highs and lows that they even have this power
. Because of that seemingly endless darkness spiraling within and around their hearts, they can experience the rays of light that manage to pierce through their personal darkness to a much higher degree than someone whose heart resembles a usual sunny day (with a few scattered, but short showers here and there). And while their own heart is like a moon veiled by thick clouds that can’t touch the earth below, it can still reach out to gift a warm glow upon the mountains—those hearts of the people within their reach. But while the moon can cast a beautiful glow on everything within its reach, its power is reliant upon the sun, and that’s the flaw with depression.
The sun isn’t always there for this particular moon—
And it’s during those times when the moon ceases to be a moon as we know it and becomes a dull rock, ashamed of its own dry form. But while others may still be fascinated by the moon for continuing to be what it is: an impossibly large, distant, floating orb that’s mesmerizing even without its glow, the moon itself can’t see the beauty in itself without that glow. And while others may still speak praises of its beauty as they see it, the distant moon can’t hear the people’s praises and continues to feel shame in itself. The moon can’t control the sun’s glow, and while others may say “get over it!” or “just cheer up, it’s not that bad!” or “you have so much going for you, why are you sad?”, depression isn’t something that can be turned on and off like a light switch. No, “happiness” is a sun that burns out of its own accord—sometimes with an explosion that takes the moon’s life with it.
However, while depression is scary… it can also be beautiful.
And while these people are like a fire that can bring warmth to people seeking it, they also need care to continue burning, because the fire is always at risk of burning out when those around it turn their backs at the wrong time, for the wrong amount of time. Suddenly, the fire burns out, the warmth fades, the darkness comes, and everyone says “What? How could this happen?”
The sad truth is, while the clouded hearts of these people seem vibrant while being compelled to pierce light through its own darkness to reach the hearts of others, the darkness takes a full, choking hold when there are no other hearts to touch. When alone, sitting in a room, being consumed by thoughts the people in their everyday lives couldn’t even believe they possess.
The truth is, it’s during these times when the fire is most likely to burn out, or when the moon will lose its glow. And it’s during these times that we should try tending to that fire, or reminding the moon that it’s beautiful—even when it’s raining and we’re sure the fire is going to die anyway, or when we’re certain that our words won’t reach the moon.
We have to keep trying. Why?
Because most anyone who has such a friend who suffers from depression will know that these people are the ones who are capable of instantly giving up on themselves while continuing to push and fight for the ones they love to outwardly limitless bounds. And it all comes down to this one simple thing that resides within the clouded heart, dying flame, and dull moon…
…Something I’ve often been told by people in my own life who have confessed to suffering from depressing.
…And this one thing that I’ve often found myself saying during my own times of blinding darkness.
“I never want anyone else to feel what I feel.”