Learning to be Honest

I’ve really wanted to avoid ranting, but I guess it can’t be helped sometimes.

So… Yeah, his will be pretty stupid, and I don’t really expect anyone to care.

Do any of us really know what’s best for us? What we want? What makes us happy? It’s irritating to feel like you have everything figured out, only to realize you really don’t know the first damn thing about making yourself happy. And it’s even worse to find yourself doing something that you hope will potentially make things better, only to find yourself lying awake at 2AM, wishing you’d just isolated yourself and disappeared. Blogging because it’s the only way you can really get any of this out.

I realized something today.

I hate fake people.

I don’t mean “fake” in the sense most people seem to use it these days. I don’t mean people who act kind to your face but talk about you behind your back, although they do suck, too. No, I mean people–generally everyone, really–who can’t be honest with themselves and how they feel. It’s a harsh reality, but when it comes down to it, most people don’t trust other people. Casual conversation and joking sarcasm is one thing, but how often do people really open themselves up? I mean really open themselves up.

Not just complaining about this or that, but really getting into your own honest issues. Accepting your own insecurities and allowing yourself to be honest about them. Why? Because everyone has those insecurities, and I don’t feel it’s fair that we make eachother feel so isolated and misunderstood.

This world is full of people who pretend to be okay when they’re not. Full of people who act like they have all the answers when they really don’t. People who act invincible when they aren’t. it isn’t just a few people, it’s a greater majority of people than most people realize, and that’s the problem. When you look around, all you see are people who are successful, happy, and who seem to have everything they want. So you find yourself feeling isolated, wondering why you can’ be like them. Why you can’t have what they have. Why you can’t be happy.

And in the most extreme cases, people go crazy. Because if there’s one thing in the world that can drive a person to do something they never thought they could do, it’s isolation. Even the strongest people break down, and when that “no one cares about me/it doesn’t matter what I do” feeling sets in long enough to cement itself… it changes you. And even if it’s only momentarily, that one moment of weakness can drive you to a decision that could completely ruin your life forever.

So… here’s the meat of this.

I had a friend. We weren’t best friends–first-tier or any of that. No, we were more third-tier friends. We went to the same high school and eventually started working together. We shared music, I gave him rides home, and I stayed with him at work until 4am, even after having been working since 8am that morning, to teach him how to be a shift leader at our job. We never really spent time together outside of work, bu we had a lot in common. More than he’d realized, and I wish to God I’d told him that.

He was similar to me in personality. Extremely sensitive, maybe too sensitive. Cared too much about what people thought about him and said about him. Cared too much about what mattered to other people instead of just doing what made him happy. Wanted someone to love him to a desperate degree. And toward the end, his sadness and loneliness turned to bitterness. I wish I had told him I understood. Told him he isn’t the only one with terrible luck with relationships. Not so much maintaining one, but even just finding someone to love you, and accept the love you have to give because your heart is so big that when it hurts it makes your whole life crumble. I understood, but I was too busy pretending that everything in my life was perfect. Like I had everything I wanted. Like I didn’t feel alone.  It didn’t help, in his case, that he was a virgin in a world full of people who value sex to the point of treating it like air. His initial values were to wait until marriage, but those values changed when he was constantly persecuted by everyone around him for holding onto “something so stupid”.

I wish I’d taken up for him. Helped him fight for his right to retain his innocence, because it’s easier with two voices, even if you’re both still outnumbered.

He was a good person who did a horrible thing.

He fell in love once and became obsessed. They didn’t date for very long, but he still felt something. The problem is, what counts for “love” these days usually isn’t much more than mutual dependency. The relationship is doomed to fail when that dependency wears off, for one side or the other. And it’s worse when one side is still holding onto that dependency and the other wants distance, or to chase something they really want. It wasn’t easy for him, being ridiculed by everyone at that job for getting dumped and still hanging on.  It can’t be easy to be a virgin after having dated someone who talks about sex a good 90% of the time. And it can’t be easy to want to have sex with that person and get rejected.

No, of course it isn’t easy. I’ve been there myself. But most people talk about sex these days, don’t they?

I left that job and lost all contact with him. Like I said, we were only third-tier friends, who really only spoke at work. But I heard from mutual friends that he’d left that job for another. And he was finally getting his life together. Got a promotion, finally got a car, moved out of his house and got a place with a roommate. Things were looking up.

So why…?

I guess I just hate how fucked up things can get. How suddenly you can see someone you once knew turn into someone you never thought they could be. It isn’t like I agree with his decision or support it. No, I honestly believe he did the most terrible, selfish thing he could have possibly done. That ANYONE could possibly do. But… I guess what breaks my heart is understanding how it could have come to that point.

He found a new job and ended up repeating the process. Met a new girl, fell in love, dated a short time, etc. I didn’t know the details, and no one I knew really knew either. What I learned came from the news. He wanted to be with her, came to see her, bought her flowers and gifts–really tried. I guess he was desperate. But… it doesn’t work that way. “Trying” doesn’t really get people anywhere when it comes to love. Ironically, it seems like the less you try, the more successful you are. And it’s a common fact. Most people find themselves attracting people they don’t really care about while repelling the ones they want to notice them.

The news said he went into that place one day and shot that girl. She died on the scene. A young girl who valued her family more than anything else–probably wasn’t interested in dating at all. It wasn’t his fault–probably didn’t have anything to do with him that she turned him down. But I don’t know the details, and local news has a way of twisting situations to make a victim seem more angelic and the assailant more deviant. He shot her and ran and hid outside overnight while the police were hunting him down. I was told about it by a mutual friend within an hour after he did it, while the pursuit was still at its apex. We were all surprised, because we knew him and the kind of guy he was. There was no way he would’ve done that. We worried overnight, and I honestly believed, knowing the kind of person he was, that the guilt would lead to him turning himself in.

But as the police closed in on him, he decided to take the other way out…

I told this story because it caused me to think about things. About what can happen when people become too obsessed with images and going with the group thought of “what’s good” and “how things should be” to the point of isolating people with a different point of view. It isn’t fair. It just isn’t fair. And it ruins people who just can’t fit into that mold.

I’m not someone to harp on things or tell anyone what to do, because I hardly know what I’m doing in my own life. But I’m saying this because I really feel this.

Don’t be a liar. Don’t be fake. Don’t be afraid to be honest. Don’t kid yourself about how you feel, even if it’s painful or embarrassing to admit. Because chances are–no, almost guaranteed– you aren’t the only one. And if everyone’s sitting around waiting on someone else to just understand, why can’t it be you? Why don’t people reach out more and try? It hurts to be rejected, made fun of, and isolated, but that doesn’t make it fair to follow the herd and shame others for fear of being shamed yourself. Be brave.

Let’s just be honest, okay? Let’s actually try. Because… Even if you never realize it, that simple “I understand” could mean more than the world to someone. It could definitely save a life.

Weird Dreams

So after laying awake for a while, contemplating life, then writing, and then binge reading The Divorcette’s blog until like 4am, I had the CRAZIEST pseudo-nightmare! And I feel like if I don’t jot this thing down, I’m gonna lose it!

Also, I’m REALLY hoping someone out there can interpret this thing for me. So here goes:

So I’m running through the city, and Godzilla’s tearing through it (but I don’t know if it was actually Godzilla, but for some reason my mind registered the monster as Godzilla). And I’m freaking out because being IN a disaster is a MUCH different experience from watching a disaster film. Everyone around me is screaming and panicking, the ground is trembling from the impacts of the high-rise towers crumbling behind us–brick, large tiles, and pipes plummeting into the streets like rain. It was intense, and I suddenly got that “yeah, all of the problems in life you’ve been bitching about don’t mean SHIT now, huh?” feeling.

I remember, for one earlier portion, I was trying to get into some car with some people and looked up and saw Rodan swooping down in the overcast sky. And I mean, it was legit Rodan too, complete with his screeching roar, flying around and gettin’ dirty with some helicopters. 

SHIT WAS BANANAS!!!

So, for some reason, and despite the fact that this creature is out in the city knocking ENTIRE BUILDINGS OVER, I decided to seek refuge in some building. I think it was a mall or something. Maybe it was because of man’s natural “when shit gets too wild, go the fuck inside” instinct. And while inside this place, which may have actually been a hotel, now that I think about it, I came across a girl, about my age.

So here’s when the dream had a genre shift, and switched from “kaiju destruction” to “trapped in a place with a monster, Alien style”.

The girl started following me. 

I didn’t know her, and even thinking about it now, she didn’t seem to resemble anyone I know in my real life. And, as if this monster had always been about 9′ instead of somewhere in the ballpark of 600′-900′ tall, it came bursting in through he front door like a school bus driven by some guy who had a bad fight with his wife that morning and just couldnt stand the thought of driving these kids around anymore.

(He was also really, REALLY dunk). 

And, you know how we all like to think w’re special? And, like, we all want our time to shine, and to be in the spotlight? I mean, it’s cool, but in times like this, nobody wants to be the protagonist. This monster, which could have gone ANYWHERE, came after me. Or it was after the girl who started following me. I don’t fuckin’ know. But we ran while hearing this giant (but not excessively large) beast thundering behind us, charging at a pace that was threatening, but slow enough to stay behind us. And I think this monster might have been a different one from the monster outside (that was probably still destroying buildings), because at one point we had this exchange.

Her: We need to get up and away from this thing!

Me: We can’t, because if we go to the top, we’ll be trapped up there, no matter what happens!

Her: Then what do we do!?

I mean, I think that’s how it went down… I just remember being heavily genre savvy in the sense of knowing that in a situation when a giant monster is knocking buildings over and you have the bright idea to hide from it INSIDE ONE OF ITS TARGETS FOR DESTRUCTION, that you shouldn’t go too high in the building, because if the tower goes down, you have no possible way to escape it.

…Something like that. I know my shit, yo.

So we make our way up to the second floor while hearing this monster tearing the world apart on the first floor, like a drunk father who’s team just lost the game and he’d bet his best friends and like 5 other guys $50 each that his team would win. We’re trying not to go too high because we still need an opportunity to escape in case the monster outside attacks he building we’re in, but we still don’t want to be on the first floor with the monster downstairs. Maybe I just assumed it couldn’t go up stairs or something, I’m not entirely sure.

But at one point, the monster outside began attacking our building, and we heard it shaking and the monster roaring outside. So we made our way to an elevator shaft (which for some reason was out in the open and not, you know, in an actual shaft), and started climbing down. It was weird… so let me try to describe it. Imagine that, instead of the elevator shaft being a rectangular, walled space where the elevator box goes up and down, the walls are replaced by black nets that are snug so tight theyre pretty much hugging the elevator.

And at this time, I wasn’t thinking about the monster inside the building at all, until:

“Jump,” I heard her say.

And I was like “What?”

And she said “Jump! Jump down!”

And when I looked behind me to where she was looking, THAT FREAKING MONSTER HAD CLIMBED UP ONTO A SUPPORT BEAM BESIDE THE ELEVATOR AND WAS REACHING OUT TO GRAB ME! So I’m like “SHIT!” and me and the girl jumped down and ran out of the building.

Also, I remember explaining to her, on our way out, that this is the reason we don’t go to the tops of buildings in times like this. The best option is to go to the second floor until the monster inside the building goes up, and then we try to circle around it, go downstairs, and escape. I’ve never seen a movie that did this (both a giant monster outside and a smaller, but still big and violent monster inside). 

Oh, and Mothra in her larval state was outside the door, and the girl was like “OMG WE CAN’T GO OUT!”

But I was like “No, no, it’s cool, it’s Mothra!” ‘Cause Mothra’s my baby.

So when we got outside–well, when I got outside, because suddenly it’s like the girl i was with was never there–there were a bunch of cars lined up about to flee the city, and I was with Kelly Perine (anyone remember him?) and Kevin Hart pulled up in a green minivan. So we hopped in with him and that’s when I woke up.

So… yeah… don’t know what any of it meant, but… it was pretty cool. Sadly, not as cool written down as it was experiencing it. And I forgot a lot of parts too. But, yeah… if anyone can explain this to me, please do.

Also, I really am working on that comic, I promise! I’ve been spreading myself too thin between trying to master digital coloring while drawing other pages and writing a few chapters out! And reading hella Divorcette. Follow her. She’s totally my thing right now. D:

Power in Depression

So this is probably just a piece of meaningless writing, but it’s something I’ve been thinking for a while. Really, I guess because of the late Robin Williams, I’ve decided to be a little more… vocal? To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I should even post this, but in the end, decided that I “had to”. 

So forgive me. It’s a bit rambly and my wording might be hard to follow but… this is the way it came out. And really, I’m happy with it, because this is the way my heart writes. When I’m being honest and letting my feelings flow naturally, without prompt or planning.

So… Here it is:

I believe there’s a power in depression.

Typically, those who suffer from depression are easy to spot, because they tend to be the ones who seem least depressed.

That’s because these people have a gift—something bordering magic more than mere mental control. Many would notice that these people have the incredible power to turn darkness into light. Similar to a battery that can power anything but cannot feed on its own energy, these people are usually capable of adding a brilliant light to the world of those around them. And it isn’t a simple as conveniently helping only the people they can see. No, often times, these people seem to be compelled to help other people smile, whether they’re close friends or complete strangers, in sight or half a world away.

They’re usually the loudest. Often the brightest. Typically the most helpful. Seem to be the most confident and self-motivating. Maybe not the smartest, but they definitely tend to be the most witty.

And they’re addictive to be around.

Often times, these people are like a drug, and they captivate the people they draw into their lives to a degree comparable to infatuation. They’re the positive extreme of polar opposites—that person who can bring a new life to a party through loud antics and shameless self-deprecation, but can be the most silent and active listener when it’s most needed, or even when it’s not needed at all.

That’s the power that comes with depression, but it’s because these people tend to experience a constant flux between the two extremes of highs and lows that they even have this power

. Because of that seemingly endless darkness spiraling within and around their hearts, they can experience the rays of light that manage to pierce through their personal darkness to a much higher degree than someone whose heart resembles a usual sunny day (with a few scattered, but short showers here and there). And while their own heart is like a moon veiled by thick clouds that can’t touch the earth below, it can still reach out to gift a warm glow upon the mountains—those hearts of the people within their reach. But while the moon can cast a beautiful glow on everything within its reach, its power is reliant upon the sun, and that’s the flaw with depression.

The sun isn’t always there for this particular moon—

And it’s during those times when the moon ceases to be a moon as we know it and becomes a dull rock, ashamed of its own dry form. But while others may still be fascinated by the moon for continuing to be what it is: an impossibly large, distant, floating orb that’s mesmerizing even without its glow, the moon itself can’t see the beauty in itself without that glow. And while others may still speak praises of its beauty as they see it, the distant moon can’t hear the people’s praises and continues to feel shame in itself. The moon can’t control the sun’s glow, and while others may say “get over it!” or “just cheer up, it’s not that bad!” or “you have so much going for you, why are you sad?”, depression isn’t something that can be turned on and off like a light switch. No, “happiness” is a sun that burns out of its own accord—sometimes with an explosion that takes the moon’s life with it.

However, while depression is scary… it can also be beautiful.

And while these people are like a fire that can bring warmth to people seeking it, they also need care to continue burning, because the fire is always at risk of burning out when those around it turn their backs at the wrong time, for the wrong amount of time. Suddenly, the fire burns out, the warmth fades, the darkness comes, and everyone says “What? How could this happen?”

The sad truth is, while the clouded hearts of these people seem vibrant while being compelled to pierce light through its own darkness to reach the hearts of others, the darkness takes a full, choking hold when there are no other hearts to touch. When alone, sitting in a room, being consumed by thoughts the people in their everyday lives couldn’t even believe they possess.

The truth is, it’s during these times when the fire is most likely to burn out, or when the moon will lose its glow. And it’s during these times that we should try tending to that fire, or reminding the moon that it’s beautiful—even when it’s raining and we’re sure the fire is going to die anyway, or when we’re certain that our words won’t reach the moon.

We have to keep trying. Why?

Because most anyone who has such a friend who suffers from depression will know that these people are the ones who are capable of instantly giving up on themselves while continuing to push and fight for the ones they love to outwardly limitless bounds. And it all comes down to this one simple thing that resides within the clouded heart, dying flame, and dull moon…

…Something I’ve often been told by people in my own life who have confessed to suffering from depressing.

…And this one thing that I’ve often found myself saying during my own times of blinding darkness.

“I never want anyone else to feel what I feel.”

Finally beginning

Finally posted that first chapter!
I’ve been excited about this for a while. After writing for SEVERAL years now, full of countless rewrites and idea changes, I’m finally ready to begin.
I plan to be consistent and full of content, while myself enjoying the stories written by other authors here.
I’ve currently been reading Magelife. I’m hoping to find other stories, but I’ve been having a tough time locating them.
Anyway, let’s enjoy the journey together! 😋

Fun with Side Characters

This is going to be a long article, because making side characters fun has always been a big, big thing to me. Because, when it comes down to it, a main character shouldn’t have to stand on their own. And in the best cases, sub-characters can become more popular than the main characters.

“Ensemble Darkhorse”.

How cool would be be to have a character who either:

1. Isn’t as important to the story as the main character?

2. Doesn’t have nearly as many, or as powerful abilities as the main character(s) (In a superhero/paranormal/action story)?

3. Doesn’t get nearly as much screentime as the main character(s)?

The answer is: VERY. Know why?

Because if you can have a side character who’s just as interesting, if not more interesting, than the main character, then that means YOU have created a very interesting character who will add more dept to your story as a whole.

Basically, the easy trap to fall in is that side characters are there because the real world has more than one person in it. People have friends, and there are other people around to talk to (unless you’re a total recluse), so in following real life and making one’s story more “relatable”, you toss in a bunch of guys and gals and say “YEAH, FLESHED OUT STORY!” But all these characters do is drop in and out to talk to your main character, but they fall flat because their personalities are either deviations of the main characters personality, or don’t genuinely have a personality of their own and just agree with whatever the main character says.

But that’s NOT the way to do it.

Side characters don’t just exist for the main character to bounce ideas off of, or to make comments (yay or nay) about the main character. When it comes down to it, these people are PEOPLE–main, side, and other. They all have their own histories, unique experiences, thoughts, opinions, ups, and downs. Don’t fall into the trap of making side characters who only pop in when it’s convenient for the main character.

Think of it this way–

You have friends, right? Probably? Well, why are you friends with them? What kind of benefits or inconveniences do they bring into your life? When you meet up, are you the only subject you talk about? Of course not (I hope)! You have friends because they add a certain depth to your life that you otherwise wouldn’t have if you weren’t friends with them. There are things you probably wouldn’t have experienced, places you wouldn’t have gone, and thoughts you wouldn’t have had if you weren’t friends with that person. And no two people can bring the same experiences into your life, and in turn, you add depth to their lives as well.

That’s what side characters are! Added depth!

Have you ever gotten bored writing about your main character all the time?

Character A does this and thinks like this. So when you write new scenarios about Character A you know how it’s going to go, because you know how Character A thinks and what Character A would do. That gets boring, both for you and your audience, because it becomes repetitive.

Now, what if Character B comes in?

A big test is coming up and Character A hasn’t studied. Well, typically, Character A would take the test and fail. So Character A talks to Character B.

Character A: The test is tomorrow and I’m gonna bomb it, I just know it…

Character B: You have’t studied at all?
Character A: No, I’ve been…distracted…

Character B. Well… you could try cramming 5 weeks of studying into tonight.

Character A: …What!?

Character B: Yeah, do it all in one go! And don’t sleep! That way, when you take the test tomorrow, you’ll remember everything! That’s how I get my A’s!

So now, Character A has this thought to cram his/her studies into one night. That’s not something Character A would normally do, but that’s what Character B does. And because Character A consulted Character B, this becomes a new possibility for Character A!

But then…

Character C: Well, you could cheat this time…

Character A: …WHAT?

Character C: I got a copy of the answer sheet for the test tomorrow. I could lend it to you, if you want.

Character A: Uhm…

Character C: Or you could stay up all night studying, pass out mid-test tomorrow, and fail anyway because you’re too tired to stay awake. It’s your choice, really.

Character A: Well I’d hate to stay up all night studying to just fail anyway…

Character C: Right, so just borrow this tonight and remember to study next time. I don’t know what’s been distracting you lately, but it can’t be worth the stress you’re going through now.

Character A: Heh, you’d be surprised…

Character C: Well, if it would make you consult a delinquent like me, it must be a pretty big distraction, huh?

So now the monotony is broken up. Will Character A do what they would normally do, or go with the advice of either B or C? Makes it fun for the audience, and for you, the writer.

But there’s more to it than that! Because there’s more than just the main character in this story. Side characters can also talk to eachother, or have their own individual circles of friends, apart from Character A and the general group character A hangs out with.

But more on that later, because it’s late, and holy crap I’m tired.

So here’s an exercise!

Wanna flesh out one of your side characters who feels boring? Give ’em a backstory! What was their childhood like? What did they grow up doing? Have they experienced any significant losses or gains in life that shaped who they are? What do they typically do in their spare time? What are their dreams and goals? You know why Character A became friends with them, but why did they decide to become friends with Character A?

DON’T let your main character be the only one you spend significant time on. Treat EVERY character as if they were meant to carry their own story. Make it so that the “camera” could follow ANY of your characters around and the story would be JUST as interesting, if not more so. After all, in someone else’s life, you’re either just a side character, or a background character they pass by on the street. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have your own story to tell, right?

Think of these things! Get detailed! Turn your character into a person! And remember to have fun! 😀

Reaching Out

I’ve been crying a lot lately…

My worst problem has been feeling like I’m “alone”. Especially at night, when it’s just me and the four walls, and my computer running silently in the background. When it’s just me and my thoughts, constantly telling me, almost every second, that I don’t matter. I want to die most days, but I shuffle through, hoping something will happen to give me a “reason” to be here. 

I know it’s not fair, but…

I feel like I can’t help but rely desperately on people now. I hate feeling so reliant, but I don’t know what else to do now. I need people. It kills me to admit publicly, but I need people. There was a recent period of time when I felt so low that I would just show up at my friend’s houses crying, from as early as 6AM to as late as 3AM. I couldn’t trust myself to be alone because my thoughts would go to such a dark, dark place, and there was no one here but me–my weak self–to fight that voice. I hate feeling like such a burden on everyone, but I’ve been so afraid.

I’ve lost myself…

And that’s the worst feeling of all. Feeling like I don’t know who I am anymore. Everything I used to love doesn’t feel so special anymore. And the things about myself that I put so much work into developing feel worthless now. It’s like I’ve stumbled into a dark cave on half a battery, lost the flashlight, and now I’m just stumbling in the darkness after having made countless turns. I don’t know If I’m getting closer to the light and staggering deeper into the darkness.

 I’ve been questioning so much lately…

Why am I so weak? Why am I so scared? Why am I so dependent? What happened to me? Why can’t I just control it, hold back, and stop making such an embarrassment of myself? What’s wrong? What can I do? What can I do? And why do I always feel so alone? Even when people talk to me, even when I’ve been told before that I do matter, why do I still feel like I don’t matter? Like I’m going nowhere? Like I’m of no use to anyone?

It just sucks, you know?

It feels like I’ve lost parts of my life too. When there are those things that you loved that become attached to people who hurt you, you develop a stigma for those things. And maybe it’s more extreme for me. Not being able to drive down certain streets. Not going to certain places I used to love to visit. Not being able to listen to certain songs or watch certain movies or shows that I used to love. Being afraid to think about certain things that actually used to make me happy. Even parts of my own personality are being subconsciously suppressed because they remind me of certain people.

Most of all, I’m just sick of the crying…

…But my personal strength has been drained. I feel like I’ve used up so much of my strength trying to help other people that I don’t have any left for myself anymore. Is that why I’m so weak? I don’t know. I get jealous of other people who seem so confident, and I used to be able to do that myself. I had a philosophy about it:

“No one is really confident. We’re all just faking it. Some of us have to fake it harder than others, but we’re all faking it.”

That alone carried me through a lot. Job interviews, making new friends, coming out of my shell to talk to girls, even as just friends (which honestly terrified me). It wasn’t like I ever looked in the mirror and thought I was ugly or anything. I worked hard to maintain a decent appearance and actually thought myself attractive (not to the point of narcissism or anything), but anyone who has “that voice” in their head, and that low self-esteem knows that your appearance doesn’t really matter. You can feel and act as ugly, and worthless, and depressed as anyone who actually does look in the mirror and say “God, I’m so ugly”. And vice-versa when there are people who you might (secretly) believe to be unattractive who somehow seem to have so much more confidence, luck, and charisma than you do. It’s hard to be who you want to be or who you feel you need to be when you’re feeling “shattered”.

But… I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’ve managed to find some light in this darkness…

That darkness brought me here, to other people like me. Maybe trapped in the same place, And I’m incredibly thankful for the friends I’ve made, and the friends I hope to make in the future. I’m admitting, despite how much it makes me tremble, that I need help. I need friends. I need people. And I’m glad to have found them.

So… Thank you…

Despite the tears, I guess I am happy in a way. It’s a strange and fragile happiness, but I’ll have to hold onto it with everything I’ve got for now, because this happiness is what I’ve needed more than anything.

Whatever stops the crying. 

So thank you to everyone who’s been there, and commented, and replied when I put on my “brave face” to reach out. It means more to me than you’ll ever know. 🙂

More Ranting

I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what is wrong with me.

I used to not be so insecure, you know? I made friends easily, I was outgoing, smiled without a problem, and wasn’t afraid to go after whatever I wanted (embarrassment be damned).  I knew what I wanted in life and what I wanted to do with myself. I knew what made me happy. What made me feel whole. I felt, for the most part, that I had everything I wanted, and was content with everything I had.

So what changed?

A lot, I guess.

It isn’t like I’m unfamiliar with heartbreak or anything, but this new situation feels like a “next level” issue. And I’m not sure if I have OCD or any form of Major Depression, or even a Bipolar Disorder, but I feel like something in me is keeping me from being happy. I don’t want to be sad, and I don’t think anyone really does, but it’s difficult to silence the voice in your own head when it’s constantly leaking into your self-esteem. Growing, festering, and empowering itself like cancer. I’ve been spending a lot of time recently looking up different symptoms to see what this “thing” could be. Whether it’s my own fault or certain circumstances I don’t understand that are making me feel “stuck”. Or like things just don’t work out.

Whatever it is, I want to fix it and find my happiness. I want to be happy, vague as that is. And I’ve learned that what seems to make other people happy isn’t quite enough for me. Or, at least, doesn’t make me as happy as it makes everyone else.  I want to come out of my shell again and know what I need to do. I want to be strong and confident and social, like I used to be. I want to find myself again, wherever I’ve gone.

I’m sick of feeling lost in my own body, wandering around like a puppet, manipulating myself into doing what the old me used to do, if only to feel somewhat complete. Maybe I have to accept that the person I was isn’t the person I am now. But once I accept that, what happens?

I don’t know, and I think that’s what upsets me the most. The “unknown” used to make me feel energetic and empowered. Nowadays, it just seems to scare me, and I’m sick, sick, sick of being scared!

Finding Motivation

Before I begin anything, I want to pose a question. I’m not sure if anyone will read this or respond, but I can’t help but cast the line out.

What do you do when you’ve lost motivation?

I don’t mean something like writer’s block, but just the “heart” to do what you love.

Lately, I’ve still had all of these ideas for the story I want to tell, and I’ve been coming across the inspiration necessary to make myself write it, but my heart doesn’t have that love it used to. Like being in a relationship that’s gone stale, wanting to salvage it, but merely “going through the motions” of the things that used to be fun in your relationship. 

It’s going on 2:30AM now.

I think the greatest issue with me is that writing was all I wanted and needed, for years. When I didn’t have much else to be proud of in life, I always had my stories. My characters I created, the adventures they had, the way they grew and evolved–I proved to myself every day, through writing, that I had something that made me valuable. And beyond that, these characters helped me to never feel alone in a world where I felt like no one understood me. I had these constant voices in my head, carrying on conversations with each other and motivating me through every step of my life. I know that sounds crazy, but it was a beautiful feeling to always have someone there like that.

And most of all, I wanted these characters, who felt so much like real people to me, to get out there and help other people. To inspire people to never buckle under pressure, to ever feel alone, and to do whatever they have to do to be happy. To do what others what they had been doing for me for years. They helped me through my mother passing, helped me through a harsh breakup, and helped me through general stress in life. Feeling like a failure. And as much as I loved it, I also felt it my responsibility and privilege to share them with other people.

But then suddenly, the voices stopped. And I can’t stand the silence.

I know it’s all still in there, and with all the work and development I’ve put into it since 2007, I can’t just give up and put the pen down now. That is why it kills me. This isn’t something I can feel content with giving up just because it hasn’t been working out.

But what do I do now?

I’m mostly writing this in hope that someone will have an answer, or some words of advice. Maybe even anyone else, lost as I am, who’s struggling with a similar crisis. 

Mostly, at this point, I just don’t want to feel alone in this.