More Ranting

I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what is wrong with me.

I used to not be so insecure, you know? I made friends easily, I was outgoing, smiled without a problem, and wasn’t afraid to go after whatever I wanted (embarrassment be damned).  I knew what I wanted in life and what I wanted to do with myself. I knew what made me happy. What made me feel whole. I felt, for the most part, that I had everything I wanted, and was content with everything I had.

So what changed?

A lot, I guess.

It isn’t like I’m unfamiliar with heartbreak or anything, but this new situation feels like a “next level” issue. And I’m not sure if I have OCD or any form of Major Depression, or even a Bipolar Disorder, but I feel like something in me is keeping me from being happy. I don’t want to be sad, and I don’t think anyone really does, but it’s difficult to silence the voice in your own head when it’s constantly leaking into your self-esteem. Growing, festering, and empowering itself like cancer. I’ve been spending a lot of time recently looking up different symptoms to see what this “thing” could be. Whether it’s my own fault or certain circumstances I don’t understand that are making me feel “stuck”. Or like things just don’t work out.

Whatever it is, I want to fix it and find my happiness. I want to be happy, vague as that is. And I’ve learned that what seems to make other people happy isn’t quite enough for me. Or, at least, doesn’t make me as happy as it makes everyone else.  I want to come out of my shell again and know what I need to do. I want to be strong and confident and social, like I used to be. I want to find myself again, wherever I’ve gone.

I’m sick of feeling lost in my own body, wandering around like a puppet, manipulating myself into doing what the old me used to do, if only to feel somewhat complete. Maybe I have to accept that the person I was isn’t the person I am now. But once I accept that, what happens?

I don’t know, and I think that’s what upsets me the most. The “unknown” used to make me feel energetic and empowered. Nowadays, it just seems to scare me, and I’m sick, sick, sick of being scared!

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